Emotional Acceptance

Did you know most emotions last around 90 seconds? This is true when we allow ourselves to fully accept and move through an emotion. However, often times we keep ourselves stuck in an emotion for much longer than a minute and a half. Most of us have not been taught how to have healthy relationships with our emotions, so we view many emotions as negative, bad, or undesirable. When we see emotions in this way, we may attempt to avoid or resist experiencing them. On the other hand, we might feed into the emotion, fueling the fire with unhelpful thoughts that cause the emotion to intensify, which often leads to undesired behaviors and feeling out of control.

An example of resisting emotions may look like feeling anxious for an upcoming presentation at work and constantly trying to fight the anxiety down. Resistance simply causes us to further store the emotion and often leads to avoidant behaviors, such as calling in sick the day of the presentation or finding another way out of doing it. We never fully process through the anxiety, so it stores in our body and appears again in similar situations in the future.

An example of fueling emotions may look like feeling anger towards your partner, but rather than processing through it, you allow angry thoughts to seep in and intensify the emotion. You may experience thoughts like “they are so inconsiderate,” “they never help around the house,” or “if they can’t help me, I’m done helping them.” These unhelpful thoughts feed into the anger, allowing it to grow and eventually lead to angry actions. Later, we will usually regret or become fearful of these actions, which causes us to view the emotion as negative.

Many of us fear experiencing emotions we have deemed as “bad” or “negative,” because they seem too big, too intense, or too vulnerable, and this often feels unsafe. However, ALL emotions are healthy emotions. As humans, we should be experiencing every emotion on the spectrum, because emotions are not unsafe, it’s how we process them that can be.

So, how do we start to change our relationship with emotions? We begin by allowing ourselves the time to sit with the emotion and be present with it in the body. I encourage using the idea of befriending the emotion and becoming curious about it, inviting it in to sit with you. As you invite the emotion in, you must meet it with compassion, curiosity, and non-judgment. Allowing yourself to close your eyes, breathe in through the nose, and give the emotion your full attention. Where do you feel the emotion in your body? What sensations are you experiencing with the emotion? If the emotion were a color, what color would a be? If the emotion had a texture, how would it feel? This activity allows you to be fully present and give the emotion the acknowledgement it needs to be moved through, without storing or prolonging it.

While emotions are not facts, and they are ever changing, they are part of a system of information that our body gives us to help navigate through life. When emotions arise for us, it is helpful to begin to view them as information that needs acknowledgement. When we begin to view emotions from this perspective, they can start to show us where things or people in our lives are out of alignment with us, shine light on our core beliefs, and help us to feel more connected to our bodies.

Next time you are experiencing an intense emotion, try this activity and see if you notice a shift in your relationship with the emotion:

1.   Allowing yourself 5 – 10 minutes to practice sitting with the emotion in your body. Engaging in slow, intentional breaths in through the nose. Bring your awareness into your body and begin inviting the emotion in, using the questions posed above (where in the body, sensation, color, texture, etc.). Your brain will automatically try jumping to unhelpful thoughts, so when you notice it occurring, simply bring your awareness back to the emotion in the body.

2.   Once you feel the intensity of the emotion subsiding, you can begin exploring the purpose of the emotion. Start by asking yourself: “What story am I telling myself that is creating this emotion?” “What meaning am I assigning to the situation that caused this emotion to show up?”

3.   Once you have identified your narrative around the emotion, ask yourself what belief you may be holding about yourself, others, or the world that your narrative may be reflecting through.

 - Example: You are passed up for a promotion at work and feel embarrassed and angry. You might be telling yourself “I’m not appreciated at this job” or “I’ll never make more money than I do now.” Potential beliefs at play might be related to low self-worth or negative beliefs around your employment.

4.   After identifying the beliefs you hold, reflect on if the belief is healthy and feels in alignment with who you want to be. If not, how can you begin to see yourself, others, or the world differently? If your belief is healthy and in alignment, then recognizing that the emotion is present to show you that something occurring in your life is out of alignment with your belief system. You can begin engaging in reflection around what changes about the situation are within your control.

Book Recommendation - Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach

Song Recommendation - A Joyful Man by Mayestra